Where are the Good Men?

Forget the Futures & Options. With the stock market plummeting, my parents now have my Marriage Options on their mind. And the rest of the khandaan, finance oozing out of every pore in their bodies, has cast the newspapers aside, flicked off CNBC and actually discovered the web and its offerings such as Bharat Matrimony. and proceeded to educate my parents about it as well. I harbor the secret suspicion that my doting parents have created a profile of me on these sites – the thought is enough to make me break into a sweat.

But the question is not whether I want to marry (No is still the answer, aai). Rather the question that I find myself screaming is where are the good men gone? When I was in the US, I figured that I didn’t find a suitable boy because I lived in an oasis of Indians among a desert of Salt and Pepper. But now, even back home, its water water everywhere and not a drop to drink. Sure, there are lots of men, but I am yet to meet someone who has piqued my interest.

For starters, Indian men have loads of testosterone in them, man. This works in 2 ways – one, it makes them hairy enough to be mistaken for a grizzly, and two, the hormone manifests itself in a male chauvinist ego. An, anyone who knows me will vouch that I am not one to take the women should be at home, cook and take care of the kids crap. Hey, as far as I am concerned, he had a 50% share in creating those kids too, so its only fair he takes 50% responsibility for them. Heck, I even play pool better under the influence of anti-feminist comments (I just channel my anger to whack the shit outta them balls... figuratively speaking). As for hair trichosis, its best as the trademark of chubby cheeked politicians. I really don’t fancy hair sprouting like thin blades of grass all over my beau.

Also, I have bigger problems to worry about than Gold Diggers. I have discovered the Nasty Nose Diggers. These are men who spend their time exploring the recesses of their nasal passages, in plain and full view of members of the opposite sex. What a turn-off! I swear, I have seen a man’s finger disappear so far into his nostril, that I thought he was spooling his brain out from there – old school Egyptian style! Two words for these men – tissue and restroom. Take the first with you into the second, and conduct your explorations with the first wrapped on the finger, in there. It’s really not that hard!

Once in a while, I do meet a guy who’s well-groomed and pleasing to the eye. Unfortunately, he opens his mouth and I realize that he is all Brawn, No Brain. That one’s quite a no-brainer from that point on. In my quest to seek out a smart man, I even rather foolishly listened to my friend who introduced me to her friend via the web. We chatted online and after a refreshingly intelligent conversation, decided to meet. Sadly, he turned out to be a Virtual Reality – his e-persona being poles apart from his true self.

Oh, and let me not forget the Addicts – men obsessed with the next "conquest", or the latest gaming console, or the other vices like sex, drugs and violence. I love playing the Wii, but do I enthusiastically plan a night of Wii debauchery with beer and chips? Hmmmm, No. Also, worht mentioning are the Suck-Ups who think that it’s so cool that I am from the US (translation: I must be easy) and come tumbling over to kiss me on the cheek. Honey, I learnt how to politely brush cheeks at social dos in the US, not slobber over people. Besides, I’d do it only with a girl friend, not random men! Back off and pipe down in your seat.

I am just waiting for that knight who can yield a sword as well as he can spill poetry from his lips, who is chivalrous and not a chauvinist, whose words are kind and actions kinder. Till that time, I am going to remain single, thank you very much.

Thankfully, my parents haven't seen “Dostana” yet and fretting about whether I don’t like guys. Hopefully after reading this post, they will not start fretting about whether I don’t like guys.